Slightly relieved

I was cleaning my  bathroom and used acid for stains. This crawling insect was hiding in some place and suddenly came over on my foot when acid was used as it was unable to bear the fumes I suppose– I started avoiding it by sweeping it away from my foot and then it was chasing my feet in the small space of bathroom because it resisted the acid which was killing it rapidly and as I was running in circles there was a chance  I might have slipped and broken a bone or two. This was the very insect I had tried to drive away by throwing water in the last two days and it was a 16-legs-super-persistent-stare-you-in-your-face-type horrid creature like  none I had seen before in my bathroom. Now it died because of the acid and I threw it away. My intention wasn’t to kill it before I applied the acid but then as i saw it dying I felt it was supposed to die like this. I felt slightly guilty.

The small circular sink iron mesh was stuck in the drainage hole of the bathroom when I was using plenty of water to drive the creature away. Now as I was in a rush to take bath I tried to quickly get it out of the hole but it was stuck hard and as I used much force using my left hand the forefinger’s skin got peeled and a wound appeared instantly and I felt nothing at that time. How come? Was I dreaming?  Bleeding didn’t stop for a long time afterwards and I feel it was really difficult only if I thought about it otherwise it seemed like pain-in-a-dream, but I felt slightly relieved because I was expecting an accident. It was like those times when many days have passed without anything sudden and unexpected has happened and you know it’s bound to happen and you carry some subconscious fear of it happening quite soon. It’s tiresome to expect accidents–big or small but when they do occur you instantly realize that they’re not as awful as your imagination had made them to be but then it also depends on the type of accident and repercussions when combined with other thoughts might make it better or worse–therefore no generalization would suffice for nature of such events. When something awful happens you’re relieved for a while and get sympathy of people passing by even if they’re mere superficial gestures. Pleasure brings a sense of guilt with it whereas pain brings with it a sense of relief as if you’re paying back what was due in the balance sheet. Why does pleasure always feels like you didn’t deserve it and you will have to pay for it someday? From where do we inherit tons of guilt for being happy and normal? Was it Karma that I hurt the creature and received the payback almost instantly? Who knows. I had been wondering that nothing bloody had happened for some time now–so it happened. I feel when you’re active in a good way you get more bruises and yet you are happier but when you’re inactive you might not get any external wounds but there are internal wounds which are deep and might get greener just because they can keep turning up for no obvious reason every now and then. As a young kid I used to get bruises and wounds quite often as I was very active outdoors but as I grew up–the small accidents became rarer and those which happened left tough marks and weren’t forgotten easily.

When I was less than five years old we were at the house of my maternal grandmother and since it was summer season we were all sleeping on roof. My many aunts, uncles and cousins used to gather together for summer vacations so it was a wonderful time but I still used to feel alienated for some reasons. That particular night we had all gone to sleep after dinner on open roof but then an awful ominous crying of some old lady from adjacent building woke me up. Everyone was near the southern railing of roof trying to understand what made this old lady cry. My curious young mind created a horrible nightmarish imagery out of incident and I felt as if the old lady had seen some terrible ghost. I was unable to sleep and felt very tense as all other members of family gradually retired to bed again after some discussion which was foreign to me. I was expecting a thrashing from my mother and lo and behold my mother slapped me hard which made me cry profusely but I felt very relieved because I had been expecting this slap. This was a much-needed medicine for making me sleep like a baby soon.

image courtesy: here

 

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8 thoughts on “Slightly relieved

  1. I think I might understand that insect encounter a little bit. I was doing some outdoor painting recently and ants came swarming out of a wooden post I had to paint. I ran to get insect spray; I used it, and they died almost instantly. A whole colony! I felt stunned and sick, but knew that I would have to do the same thing if I encountered that problem again…

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    1. Animalia it’s Pam. Life forms thriving upon life forms. Recently I watched the recording of a 2005’s live show by Joe Rogan. In the prologue commentary he made a statement which seemed like a new way of looking at humanity. The thought has occurred to me in slightly different forms but his way of presenting it struck me–he said that it might be possible that in the vast space humans are outgrowth on organism of earth like a fungi or bacterial outgrowth on bread or plants. We were put here not to create beauty and order but rather to eat other life up like bacteria do. The culture and order is found in all animal and plant kingdom and humans are slightly more evolved when observed in context of grand space compared to other animals. If we understand his statement and consider it worth–all people who are green earth activists and working for eco-system though being part of human animalia–seem to be working for a lost cause. Then you don’t stop to worry about loss of forests or men killing other men because they were supposed to do that like other animals.

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      1. That brings me up short!

        I’ve been reading a book by a Native American botanist who feels that the plants and animals are necessary to life and so must be harvested by humans (and other species)… She argues for a sense of gratitude and balance, though,–that we always leave a gift when we take one (so she will leave a pinch of tobacco, for instance, when she harvests a plant). And she also argues that we should only take what we need–never taking everything…

        I think it is good that we struggle with the question of how we fit into this world of ours, and the ethics of that fitting!!!

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