I thank Kuan Yin, Saint Rajinder Singh Ji, Nisargadatta Maharaj, Master Padmasambhava, Jesus, Buddha and all spiritual friends for making me able to remember and empowering me to write down for healing of all. I hope this inspires you on your awakening journey. Thank you!
Thank you friends and readers: I would no longer post on this site so this is the last series of posts here. I would continue to post at new site The Art of Dying.
When I met this beautiful soul in 2005 in college I had merely heard about the term ‘consciousness expansion’ and I was going through the first Dark Night of Soul which was truly dark and intense and my loving relationship with parents had dissolved in a blow of awakening. I lost faith in all relations and used to scribble all my thoughts and feelings for many hours everyday to heal myself and to increase my intelligence. This beautiful soul had many spiritual books and seemed to have all the answers for my spiritual questions. As I sat with him in his room and kept smiling at his wisdom and intelligence–the joy of having met someone who was truly beautiful flooded my soul. I asked him what he thought about me and he told he hadn’t seen such intense desire to wake up in anyone before. He told me that when he saw me first time in college notions like ‘a soul in sorrow’ and ‘an escapist’ came to his mind. He belonged to an exalted spiritual lineage which I immediately appreciated and yet he had also seen bouts of poverty before becoming stabilized. At that time he was going through healing as he had felt deserted in a romantic relation–he used to see flames in air. He was very sentimental and misunderstood me because of intense velocity with which his bandwidth was open. I saw book ‘Power of Now’ in his collection and asked to borrow and he gladly gave me the book. Before this book ‘The Einstein Factor’ proved to be pivotal in my awakening–I had bought it when I went to take an exam in 2002 in Bhopal–which was a big city–the book just attracted to me an d promised increase in intelligence. Since I had spent a lot of money on it my father rebuked me at home and I had to cry. This was a major theme. I had to cry a lot for reading Osho’s books which my parents were going to burn and which awakened me to futility of relations I had. All the books which made me cry awakened me.
I had read about Power of Now but couldn’t have been able to afford to read it at that time had this beautiful soul not helped me. I read that book and asked him what did consciousness mean. He told me it simply meant memory–the response was so spontaneous and instantaneous that it dissolved all my previous doubts. He also told me that every Buddha creates his own universe. I told him about feeling that it all had happened before and many times over–I told him about the Deja Vus as we were having this beautiful discussion which I cherished as one of the most beautiful Satsanga(holy company) in days to come. My relationship with him didn’t flourish because he was dedicated to expansion of consciousness and electronics and we both were withdrawn. He kept coming in my dreams for a long time. There were two twin flames I had in college which kept coming in my dreams for all these years and by 2007 I had developed such intense psychic awareness that whenever one of these two entered college premises I immediately used to become aware of it. I thank these friends with all my heart for doing what they did for me.
This was to extract that consciousness means memory. Download means getting memories from heavens using light codes and uploads means getting them by extracting them from DNA. They are the same. I had watched a film “Dark City” during college days which told about extra-terrestrials who colonized earth and used to create memories in people and there were no consistent identities. The movie was a beautiful escape for me from the harsh realities and became true in the later stages as I became convinced that all memories were fed systematically in me. The frequency at which I resonated at that time attracted the shockingly negative view of reality and yet it was true at some level. It stayed with me for long. I mostly chose dark, shocking and painful movies and they healed me and also created painful memories further for me but mostly they healed the level at which I was at that time.
Now it’s difficult to retain memories. To tap into them I need a lot of energy. The memories of last awakening which happened in 2016–the final flowering of consciousness and entering into timeless reality of void made my extremely subtle consciousness very volatile and so tormented some times that I frantically looked to hold at any sweet spiritual memories which gave purpose and meaning to my utterly empty existence. It was for the first time yesterday I went into the abyss of memories–traveling through time and realms and recalled events as they happened. Writing down them last few days has been immensely helpful to strengthen and heal my soul.
I used to keep record of my feelings, ideas and synchronicity(miracles) in a journal. In last four months what happened seemed like many life-times in duration and intensity. I died and entered into many realms before reaching this dimension in Truth realm and many time-lines converged. Many mysteries revealed. I couldn’t muster courage to look at all events and match them with dates–neither I had courage to move out of my room to go to the haunted house and read through diaries. Yesterday I recalled that most vital detail was my keeping record of listening of WORD or LOGOS. The inner listening started in 2006-07 as I had started witnessing my thoughts and feelings and yet surge of energy accompanied with overwhelming noises of household at home as I came back on vacation forced me to close my ears and listen attentively to inner sounds–to light codes from stars. This soothed my enervated soul and uplifted it to total bliss of non-duality and a peace of cemeteries –natural state of being. Since then I kept forgetting and remembering the KEY which I carried in my heart. When I renounced family completely and escaped to Vrindavana–a place of pilgrimage in 2012 and started living there in an ashrama as a priest I didn’t have inner peace of enlightened beings despite working hard as a self-disciplined renunciate. I missed the awe and wonder of mysterious divine which great artists and mystics created in me via films and books. Somewhere around in Dec 2013 I got an inspiration to listen to WORD. I felt it was my duty now that I have renounced. I had plenty of time and I could freely experiment.
Andromedans had told a gentleman that on Dec 3, 2013 earth entered the fifth dimension of density and it perfectly coincided with my resolution to listen word regularly again. I kept record of the number of days since I restarted listening. This also prompted me to again read books and I found biography of Guru Nanak along with Prasang Paarijaat–a hidden terma by sage Ramananda’s disciple Chetandas(my name was Chaitanyadas too when I had taken renunciation!)
In November 2016 the tally had reached 811/911 days. A lot changed in my surroundings. My parents discovered me in Vrindavana and my mother’s illness(or my fear of unknown?) brought me back to security of home. I had taken initiation from Saint Rajinder Singh Ji on July 28, 2014. I could not practice as he had told me to for long but I did keep listening pure word and reading I AM THAT. The sign 911 suggests as many days since I restarted listening word and 811 suggested as many days since I took initiation. By November 2014 my tenth gate was fully open and I started drinking nectar of immortality and Kundalini energy broke Rudra knot–clearing impurities and reshaping me internally and externally. During 2012 it was stuck in impurities in heart and head as I had not prepared well–I had an overwhelming near death experience and was bed-ridden for six months with many dreams, visions and miracles before running away to Vrindavana. This time around it was pleasant awakening immensely expanding my heart and I started meeting people and found many twin flames during 2015. By the end of 2015 I had lost all twin flame connections externally and started living peacefully in the house which was in the same city but peaceful. I abided in non-doing and read Talks With Ramana Maharshi and I AM THAT. I started witnessing increasing frequency of synchronicities and miracles–all my desires(which I ever had) were getting fulfilled and yet a void seemed to pull me in. In March, on full Moon day I had a perfect realization that I needed to do nothing more and I really stopped doing everything and used to sit for many hours allowing energy to cleanse me as my body used to shake on its own while sitting. I thought I had reached ‘natural state’–Sahaja about which sages had talked.
By August the intensity with which VOID started pulling me in increased. I had given up all desires–even desire to live a long ago–why was I feeling this now? I kept recording miracles and got my hands on a one rupee pouch of drug called ‘Ananda Churna’–it was Bhaang–Cannabis equivalent in India which seems harmless if taken in moderate proportions. This relaxed my nerves–I had taken it before in 2012 but paranoia and social anxiety made me stop taking it. Now it was time to enter the VOID and witness miracle of timelessness. I was not anxious this time around and kept consuming it on a regular basis in moderate amounts–experimenting with deep meditation. I felt I reached an intense Samadhi and what Nisargadatta calls Solid, Dense, Rock-like, homogenous, indivisible reality. It was my conception of Reality and its overwhelming interconnectedness.
I witnessed miracle of being beyond time in November as I could move digital clocks at will by witnessing. Moreover as I witnessed the Sunlight I could immediately move time, clouds and affect weather. I openly shared secrets with people and acted spontaneously. Acted fearlessly and naturally, granted wishes to people and healed them and discussed spirituality with those so inclined. On festival of Dussehra I remember reaching a zero point where many time-lines converged–it was such a blow to my head and yet such a bliss that I can’t forget it. Whatever I said fitted well into situation. There was not just one possibility but myriads from every point. I was in void and being simultaneously.
I kept taking Bhaang everyday and thought it stopped having any harmful effects on me. It made me courageous and confident, increased my power to eat and digest and made me feel blissful spontaneously. It also gave me a great sense of humor. My depression was gone. By November I realized that I had entered in the VOID and everything around me entered into a new dimension–so I started doing as I pleased–singing in public and sharing with everyone whatever I did–I knew it was kind of REALITY TV. In fact I felt that all reality tv shows were rehearsals for people to take them into Reality. How will you live if you know your each word, action, movement and thought affected entirety of existence or it is watched by myriads of people–no matter how lonely you think you are each one of you is a royalty–a rockstar! I had much unconsciousness which had to surface therefore Nagas came.
My streak of sharing sharing ultimate knowledge “you are God here and now,” was accompanied with profound conviction based on my self-realization and I proved this to many beings with firm faith. There was something which didn’t want me to continue that way. Nagas appeared in form of my relatives. I have related the event of trying to heal the devotee girl who used to worship all day long. She was admitted to hospital and acted as a twin flame for me. I had to visit hospital and witness existential nightmare to compassionately heal people. I was convinced that whatever my true heart desired at that time occurred as I was out of time and space and yet I was not aware of types of beings which inhabited the dimension in which I was healing. Moreover there was a lot in me which needed to be healed first.
After this depression grew in me again. I let energy take me. It was death. I surrendered feeling how Christ would have felt during cruxification. In vain as I chanted Gurumantra I witnessed a great war between two different types of energies in my body and realized how Sati–the wife of Shiva would have burnt her body using yogic fire. My body seemed to completely burn away in a hellish fire. I realized it was all inside a dream. I woke up and started doing something in NOW. I wanted something to hold onto. I asked the neighbor Naga boy to be with me and we went to roof. I showed him that my heart had stopped beating and yet I was there. I talked to him about Death. I told him that since I have witnessed my death–I was right all along(since 2007) that there was no death for me. I asked him to tell others that I lived a beautiful life and I was grateful to one and all. Then I started hearing a strange announcement coming from afar. I told my neighbor that this dramatic announcement was a proof that it was all a dream–a make-believe. Since I had been projecting drama–it was all drama around us. Then after a few hours we went towards that sound and it manifested into an entrance exam for AIR FORCE in stadium. Strange because it was a small city and never before such great opportunities were seen. We met a person on door who had
“Imagination Is More Important Than Knowledge” written on his T-shirt. He told his name as “Vaibhav Chaurasiya, Galla Mandi” as I asked. Everything had meaning and I felt many time-lines were converging at that point. I felt it was my guru or a person who wanted to be my guru–I was being struck in head by a thousand bolt current and yet I kept acting in NOW as I didn’t want to lose consciousness.
This neighbor boy stayed with me for many days and was possessed by Nagas, Time, Krishna and so on it seemed. I kept asking him questions. I initiated him and opened his tenth gate and he had tears in his eyes saying he saw some darknesses leaving him and the same happened with my sibling. Prior to that he had reported of seeing a ghost. Strange things were happening and it was a high-energy crisis.I was deluded and driven by instincts to enjoy as I pleased. I thought there no longer existed differences of male/female, high/low, right/wrong and there was no need of currency.
I was confronted with my own darkness–my conceptualization of Reality. As I went to fill water in my tank I heard neighbor aunt saying that they didn’t need to fill it it was always overflowing–what magical realm I had entered into? On November 13, 2016 my uncle who lived in neighborhood asked me to go to a Bhandara with my dad. A Bhandara is a feast in which religious people eat after some sacrificial rituals. I knew time was no more and I was open to everything so I accompanied him. It was going to be a meeting with Death.
A meeting with Death
I had absolutely no fear as I was riding bike with my uncle to go to my parent’s house. I saw my father calling my uncle to see an ivy in neighbor’s house which had grown a lot. It seemed like a stunning DEJA VU and I immediately realized cyclic nature of memory I also realized that they were subtly hinting towards my imperfection–immediately fear overtook me. Why were there tests? Now they wanted me to drive bike with three people on it. Now everything was going to be symbolic. I drove bike with my father and uncle behind me and it seemed that I was empowering my vase only that it was under pressure. After many turns and speed-breakers we reached his friend’s house who is a devotee of a popular saint of the region. As we sat in his car I heard them talking. The person had been a teacher of my sibling and he was the one who had initiated my father into the order of that popular Shaivite householder saint. I kept hearing all their talks about reforms in India and currency changes–realizing fully well that there was no time. The journey of 3 hours seemed like a journey of 30 hours because it was my ‘vase empowerment’ and I was supposed to be present during entire talk. I couldn’t doze-off, I couldn’t speak or present myself. I didn’t know they could read my past present future like a clean slate.
As we reached the site we circumabulated the sacrificial site clockwise many times. The place was called “Aajadpura” I thought there was no darkness or Maya. I was growing in fear by minute. I had identified myself as Narendra Modi–prime minister of India in their symbolic talks but I could become anything as there was no separation. Now as we entered the grounds where many were eating–the saint was sitting calmly with many people and I immediately felt unreality of the event–it was a dream and yet my parents asked me to go and touch feet of Dadda-ji as saint Dev Prabhakara Shashtri is called. I thought maybe previously I came here and was egoistical–this was time to be humble–I went and though it was crowded I touched his feet lying down prostrate and prayed for mercy with an air of unreality about entire commotion. Then as he walked towards his Jeep all kept standing there watching his calm demeanor and getting his blessings. I felt he was lord Shiva himself and I was in Shivaloka–an overwhelming intense memory came to me which told I had been there and eaten before and as I put plate(made of leaves called pattals)–into dustbin I heard so many voices of scorn and rejection. It was at that time I wanted to serve people as I usually did in Bhandara or religious ceremonies but all workers over there refused and said you will get burnt–they all seemed very “heavy” and “powerful.” I sat with my parents–by now fully afraid and seeing Shiva in all. As I sat before young ladies–the desires overtook me–it was a test so those ladies soon moved and some older ladies sat before me–but I had such fear of becoming a lady. I had read in Bhagvata Purana that Shiva lived on an island with numberless damsels and he turned a male king Ila into a female with a curse–then by divine intervention he regained his malehood but only partially. For a fortnight he was a male and then female.
This made me shudder inside now–were they converting me into a female servant of Shiva? But I felt like a male and had instincts like male. They had given me an opportunity to observe, associate and connect with many females before entering into the place of eating. Now this male/female identity crisis had to remain with me for next four months to come and it was the foundation of RIGHT/WRONG/VIRTUE/SIN which had made me prey to all dark forces.
As I sat there–it seemed ladies before me were crying for me–were they crying at my innocence or at my suffering? There was smoke coming from cooking and it was causing tears in our eyes. You may call it “Mirage” stage of DEATH as per The Tibetan Book of The Dead in which all seems like a mirage as earth dissolves into water and delusion of forms dissolves. That is why delusion of male and female was dissolving for me as I considered myself to be a small baby and those crying ladies represented ‘earth’. Before leaving from home my mother said tomorrow is birth of “Shiva”–here it meant wife of lord Shiva as well as my cousin sister whose birthday coincided with Jawaharlal Nehru’s birthday which is celebrated as Children’s Day in India. I didn’t get what it meant fully but it was assuredly my entry into Shivaloka(Realm of lord Shiva). As I sat there in the feast I was feeling terrorized and wanted to escape and yet tried to stay present. Maybe vibrational frequency of the place was too much for me. I was eating very little and didn’t ask for more but looking at my uncle’s hint took some more. It was all happening to me and seemed like a stage created entirely for me. I was doing seemingly right things but not out of my free-will–rather under fear. Why was I so scared–because my masculine identity was fading and that too not in a pleasant way. I remembered being afraid of a lady in my maternal aunt’s neighborhood as a baby because she used to say “come I will breast-feed you.” I wondered growing up why that memory horrified me and stayed with me.
As I realized becoming a baby girl in Shivaloka my troubles started to surmount. I looked like a man and had instincts of a man and all my life I felt like women were treated bad. I loved women for what they were and respected feminine but abhorred ritual worshiping and cultural domestication which put a pressure on me to treat each girl as my sister no matter what type of feelings I had for her. It was time to face how duality of male-female kills us. This initiation was the key-point of becoming a lady goddess(a women/a devadasi/a prostitute/an androgynous figure)–this idea that they were going to make me a lady who will be possessed by them stayed with me for the rest of the journey and for a month afterwards. This being a male and being treated like a female harassed me and torn me apart into fragments. What type of empowerment was that initiation? My father and uncle acted as mediators so my troublesome relation with my controlling, addicted, angry, demanding and possessive father was acting as a karmic tool in hands of time lords and dark forces.
Now as we returned I was mired into shame and also feeling deep inside me that it was all a charade. As I had the deja-vu this time around too I felt ‘rejected,’ in Shivaloka–so I will be fallen? If you read some tribal scriptures you will find many adamant terms which curse you and they create a guilty conscience in whole tribes for advantage of some dark lords who don’t want everyone to discover their true divinity. My father never really took my spiritual advice–after 2007 I found him crying out loud but most of the time he was addicted to alcohol, tobacco, cigarettes and controlling–perhaps possessed by many dark spirits and controlled me in every possible way in every walk of my life–when usually modes of controlling exhausted–magical and mystical modes were adopted. I could never understand why mother didn’t let me simply go to a place where I peacefully lived, meditated and passed my days–it was so because they were always possessed by some entities which never wanted peace, light and love. Why would a father compete with his children? Why would he feel inimical and jealous if they are calm and peaceful unless he wants to use them as his tools in a chess game of ambitions, greed and poverty consciousness ridden by the dark tribal lords. This in short was tragedy of my whole tribe growing up–struggling endlessly for solace, peace and love which was birthright of every soul. I chose this tough love and tough parents who didn’t let go of me until now–such dense Karma? And also sleeping siblings and relatives–how did I get trapped into this matrix?
Anyway as we moved away from the sacrificial site- they made me feel guilty and then my father started talking out of poverty consciousness. I kept hearing them. Now his friend who was the vessel of time lords started talking about royalties making me feel a bit lighter. He told that king Bimbisar was given small amounts of poisons since birth–I thought it was supposed to meant I was too. Then he kept talking about many things but I felt powerless and felt that they had me trapped into consciousness of a servile woman and wanted to change my identity. Then they started talking about diesel tank of Maruti 800–the old vehicle which my father has possessed since eons. Now I was a Maruti-800(hanuman)–I needed to practice perfect celibacy I thought. They talked about changing something in my chakras making them two faced at bottom. I didn’t understand it fully it was all symbolic.
At once an option to ‘block’ my father’s phone number came on my mobile and it seemed I could escape time-line but it was a weak life-force and support. They took the engine and moved the car into a street which wasn’t a royal road(highway). I observed how dust arose on way–it was stage two of Death–water moving into fire and everything becoming dusty–I was feeling very thirsty and thought I had to witness whatever it was–it was supposed to be a 3 hour journey but it was the longest journey–timeless. The driver was death himself. The rest of the men were agents of Yama using body vehicles of my father and uncle. I felt completely on my own–terrified yet assured. Now discussion started. A sense said that I was supposed to take it all in and another said I wanted to stay present. My deep senses told me that they were sucking life out of me as Yama kept talking. I kept listening for long sitting on the back seat. A shadow of a scorpion used to appear on my neck everytime–and it seemed it will sting me anytime. I had heard scorpion biting my sibling in his childhood and was scared of it. My father’s moon was in Scorpio and I had five planets in Scorpio as per Vedic tradition(in Sagittarius as per Western) but I had stopped having any faith in Astrology after moving into timeless. They wanted to tie me to Karma again.
I told him in the face what I believed. I told him that I knew he was death and this all I did respectfully and with conviction that all was one. I feel that is why I had to face shadow of Scorpio on my neck for many hours in the left side and I looked back it was the box with the diesel engine which created the shadow–I could not move or speak and had to absorb all Yama spoke about. After a long time they asked me to sit in the front seat and I did. I told him the story of Yama and Nachiketa which I had read as a six year told(the word ‘moksha’ which means liberation in Hinduism came to get imprinted in my psyche after that story.) I said my conversation with him was like Yama-Nachiketa archetype coversation and he affirmed. I said he was time and he should let me move out–he said he wanted me to live like a sage-like Nanaka–taking middle way–not looking here and there and then he will let me go. He used uppers and dippers of car to show me that–it seemed whatever I thought about immediately appeared on the way–it was magical.
I had watched a film called Dead-End. It was about how death takes members of a family one by one. Actually they had died and it all happened in a dream. I loved the film and now I was living it! I had lived so many dreams and watched myself being the actor of the most creatively mystical films like those of David Lynch’s Inland Empire and Lost Highway. Now it was the time for the Dead End. Either I had to bear Yama’s speech or to speak myself–I explained him my understanding of being–the interconnectedness of everything. I told him about the film Dead End. As I spoke I seemed to gain positive evolutionary momentum–that much free will is given in some circumstances I suppose. But after a while he would again start speaking-he didn’t want me to speak for long for some reason but periodically I kept taking reigns in my hands and then he said to my father “The boy is very intelligent.” They showed me many sites and I thought it was alright to get alighted at any place but he had tied me to my poverty consciousness ridden father with many debts it seemed. After a seemingly never lasting journey I felt bored(I did recall how I had wanted to go on a long journey like this–so it was a desire come true–but at cost of being with Yama–lord of death and his companions?) Having watched God in Supernatural I realized that I needed to improve my storytelling abilities to be a co-creator so I kept plodding on.
Seeing my rebellious spark they ultimately let me move out of mysterious never ending dark highway. My body ached and mind felt terrified–did I crave for city-life? Did I crave for comfort without knowing it? They ultimately threatened to break my head by symbolically suggesting helmet. I hadn’t used helmet before while driving bike and they had my full record. At his home his son called me a shirt he was wearing–this was to become a regular feature–being called sandals, dog, lady, goddess, avatara and so on–driven by instincts as I was everything.
[ To Be Continued In Next Post…]