Stable Marriages, Pati Parmeshwar and Patriarchal Pulchritudes!

Ramesh: What was that ruckus about in the night?

Grandma: Nothing.

Ramesh: But I heard squealing voices and cursing for about half an hour before midnight!

Dinesh: Oh that, the sister-in-law was throwing temper tantrums because Rajesh had called her father yesterday on the site of feud for taking help.

Grandma: This lady speaks too much. Rajesh is a tolerant fellow, had it been someone else, he would have crushed her face by beating and thrashing like anything!

Ramesh: Enough grandma enough! You will also have to take another incarnation and this fellow, sitting besides you, is also going to marry in a year or two; what kind of suggestions are you planting on his mind? What madness is this?

Man and woman are equal, husband and wife are equal! If you had to undergo such trials and tribulations and had to remain subservient to all males of family all your life–it doesn’t mean that this lady also has to go through the same. And what wrong did she say? They never talk to her family members and shun them away. Only when they are in the dire need of help did they call them up. She has only expressed her resentment by speaking a harsh truth. So, she should be beaten and thrashed by her husband for it?

****Silence****

This is scenario from a typical middle class Indian household. Much has been spoken about the longevity of marriages and lack of divorces in Indian families. Some say it’s because they match horoscopes before marriages; others say, it’s because mostly arranged marriages happen and there is much pressure of family members and traditions so people hesitate before thinking about and acting on divorce unlike western societies.

I say it’s all a fabricated lie!

The reason why Indian marriages had longevity was not because everything was harmonious and peaceful and respectful, but rather because society has been patriarchal. Women have always been treated like slaves and servants who are used for sex, for rearing up children, for cooking and for venting out your frustration because you can’t fulfil your ambition in outside world. Home is easy. Kick her, shout at her, use her, abuse her and yet she will never leave you because she can’t. Leave alone leaving you, she can’t even raise her voice against your torture and wicked injustice because religion, society and tradition has ordained her your wife; lawful wife! What a tragic facade!

Hindi term for husband is Pati.

Scriptures say that Pati is to be treated like a God. Pati Parmeshwar!

As super popular author of Ram Charit Manas–a fabricated devotional fictional epic telling adventurous tale of superhero Ram tells about women: Woman should be beaten like a drum, an animal, a vulgar man!And it’s recited by all so-called religious people!

He also tells you, like every other great pseudo-saint of patriarchal rotten society:

People of scheduled castes and lower castes and foreigners, no matter how learned they are, must be looked down upon and treated like shit; whereas, Brahmins, no matter how dumb they are, just by divine virtue(right) of being born in the highest caste-they should be treated like God–even beyond God!

Pati literally means Owner!

Chhatrapati= Someone who owns Chhatra= a royal insignia!

Rashtrapati is the term used for Indian President. So Pranab Mukherjee is not a servant of public, no! He is the owner of people!

Pati is her husband. He is lawful owner of the lady. No wonder he treats her like shit!

Patriarchal society has made Pati(husband) Parmeshwar(God.)

Pati is to be treated like God in each and every situation(Sorry, Dr. Sorick, repetition!) no matter whether he is a drunkard, an addict, an imbecile, an impotent, a wicked sadist or whatever!

The same is not true for women. She is there to be kicked, beaten, thrashed and exploited all her life. Suck her body, blood and life out and create babies. Use her, beat her and then even burn her living. What a great spiritual country and great spiritual tradition. Proud indians!

The longevity of indian marriage is solely based on patriarchal values. Rising divorce rates are results of women empowerment and they are dubbed down to be the result of westernization of society. Nothing bad with original patriarchal indian values at all! Divorce rates are high in West because institution of marriage which is impractical and rotten in its very core is shown for what it is because women are becoming more independent and almost as rebellious as men. They exercise their freedom as men have been doing for centuries–no wonder marriages are unstable and kids are suffering. I am not exalting an unstable society–just calling a spade a spade. You want stable marriages at cost of making half of the population slaves of other half?

images courtesy: here and here

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48 thoughts on “Stable Marriages, Pati Parmeshwar and Patriarchal Pulchritudes!

  1. EnkalyaLive

    Thank you for your very enlightening post. While I would say women’s empowerment has made progress in the Western world, there is still a long journey to truly being seen as equals in society at large with equality in all aspects of life.

    I am fortunate my husband and I have a loving relationship, seeing each other as equals and partners in our journey through life. We chose to marry later than the norm for a first marriage. Perhaps our age and maturity has allowed us a deeper respect for everything we each provides our family life?

    As brothers and sisters in the world, I hope we are moving toward a mutual respect for each other and our talents can all be welcomed to build a better future for generations to come. I dream of a day when all have a voice that is heard and abuse is a terrible relic of our less civilized past.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. What a beautiful vision, account of present life and awareness of present situation of movement. Thank you so much for expressing your ideas so eloquently!

      Have a wonderful week ahead 🙂

      Love and light ❤

      Anand 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Longerseconds

    Thanks for your post, Anand.
    Why has India stooped to this level where, to the extent that we should be ashamed of ourselves, treat women like this? The other question to ask is- Is this the general condition at large? Or is this a generalization fallacy at play? What I write below is just my thought, so please have mercy before you pick up the brickbats.
    There are some core values that have originated in India and Hinduism was and is as one of the important aspects of life in India. Wait, this is not a discussion on religion. In any case, Hinduism is considered a religion only because there is a lack of a better term. Hinduism is a way of life, a very inclusive, tolerant, empathetic and guiding set of good principles to live by. So, since we are talking about the way of life in India, I don’t have any qualms in talking a bit about Hinduism too. And no, I don’t believe any religion is bad. It is the men who practice any religion or faith, who make it that way along the long periods of living it, because it benefits them. And Hinduism is no exception. Why in hell are there not many women priests? If we worship Durga or Shakti as the ultimate god from where all the other gods of the pantheon emerged from, why can’t we have women priests? You know what, I am wondering if Shakti, if she is all encompassing, will not have the troubles that women can have? (if they are troubles, that is.) So who did this? Who reduced women to the stature that they are in now? Women were revered and Hinduism is one religion where the ultimate super-power was the divine feminine. And people lived by that principle. If they had objected to that, we would be having a man sitting on the top, not a woman.
    So how did it come to this? We were a society which understood, appreciated and mutually respected the strengths and weaknesses of our genders. Men were physically strong and women, mentally. Men worked (akin to being a laborer) and women governed the house. Wait. See, that’s the thing. Women governed the house not because they couldn’t work, but because they were simply better at it. And men worked not because they couldn’t run the house, but simply because they had could deploy their physical abilities at will. We did what we did not because we couldn’t do the other thing, but because we were better in what we did. And we respected each other’s strengths instead of taunting each other about our weaknesses. I believe this division of labor itself was non-inclusive and that caused the spark for the problem. When this mutual empathy and respect changed, things changed and there developed a polarity. And that spiraled out of control is what I believe.
    Men, then, started using their physical abilities to be one upon women, and men being brutes, did not empathize. We moved from being a civilized society to being barbaric. And most women, until the previous generation, have subscribed to the patriarchal society’s norms, simply because there was no window to the west and I believe, Stockholm syndrome was at play. Or maybe women did not believe themselves more capable, for the most part, that is.
    And now, we are here, where some men rape and murder. What a shame. India is a large population. So say, a country ‘A’ has 1000 people living in it and about 10 of them are repeat offenders, of crimes against women. India in the same scale might have about 10000 people living in her, and about 100 of them might be committing the crime repeatedly. It might look like the crime rate in India is about 10 folds when compared to the other country, but that is an illusion of the border. Well, I don’t know, the number might be 110 or 90. Some research needed here. So what is the point? The point is that we need not generalize India as a whole, instead, we could be talking about any family where marriages stick together because women are so disempowered. Yes, there is a large accumulation of those families in this region called India.
    Going further, instead of talking about how some women groups use these popular opinions that are stacked against men for their own benefit, we probably should look progressively and think about what one could do about the future. Education. That’s the key, I believe. It will take a further 3 generations for things to change, (change into what I don’t know) but evolving thoughts due to catalyzed cooperation between the genders due to technology and exposure to other cultures will cause the change.
    Meanwhile, maybe we ourselves can be empathetic to everyone, and not miss out on life in our generation.  Think about it, this gender divide is just one such easily recognizable divide. There is more. People with special needs is one such issue.
    So like Vibrant says, ‘love and light’, everyone. 

    Liked by 2 people

    1. What is required is a change in attitude. I’m generalizing, but I feel that we Indians either keep women “on our head” or “at our feet” but don’t want to treat them as equals for whatever reason. Which is why we can have a female goddess or President but the women in our own houses become second class citizens. And yes, like you said Education is key. We need more women to realize that subservience is not the way to go.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I agree with you Uday 🙂

        Extreme veneration might just be a reaction based on the guilt in the consciousness, borne out of the disgusting extremes in other direction.

        Thanks for your wonderful comment!

        Have a great week ahead 🙂

        Love and light ❤

        Anand 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

    2. Very well said 🙂 I really enjoyed reading your analysis and though I can tell you that Shakti is not sole origin of the universe and power as per Hinduism, I feel there is no need to do so 🙂

      I heartily thank you for the discussion and I feel you are quite a visionary. It will be great if you share this comment as a post on your blog as it will reach your readers too and benefit them. This is not a way to say that you are not welcome to create long comments here. If you want please keep visiting and discussing. I love to hear from you and this was a wonderful comment.

      Have a lovely week ahead 🙂

      Love and light ❤

      Anand 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

        1. I know. That is one of the aspects to look at divine with there being so many. I feel divine is neither masculine nor feminine and it encompasses all. Different paths treat different deities as supreme like Shakti or Shiva or Vishnu or Krishna or Ganesha or Surya.

          Long comments are fairly welcome 🙂 I said that to suggest that since you wrote such beautiful stuff–it can enrich your blog too and might become a great post for your readers–but if you don’t want to do that then also it is fair and fine 🙂

          Cheers 🙂

          Anand 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

  3. I guess it happens all over the world, much worse maybe to eastern countries where there are arranged marriages and patriarchal societies. I guess it is good that men like you in your country are aware of these and are trying to do their best to show love and kindess to men and women alike. Love, kindness, understanding and respect should be at the center of any marriages. Being the head of a household shouldn’t mean looking down upon or overpowering women but taking the lead for the good while being respectful or submissive doesn’t mean accepting violence, physical, mental, verbal or emotional abuse. We are indeed equal in the sense that we are created with the same spirit, soul and love and eventually may wither away in the same manner. Marriage should be a safe heaven where support, sharing, love amd happiness exist which overcomes challenges and imperfections. Kudos to you for sharing your thoughts on this showing your kindness, compassion and enlightenment. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. What a terrible shame. It’s been it our news recently about the way women have been treated in India. I’m referring to several horrific rapes like the gang rape of a young woman on a bus in one of the large cities, I don’t remember which one. It encourages me to see Indian men and women alike taking a stand against this most repulsive behavior. Thank you Anand for adding to the conversation. (Also your use of each and every was appropriate! There is such a thing as reputation for emphasis! 🙂 Thank you again for this heartfelt post.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes, that is shameful but problem lies deep. Animal nature has to be watched and witnessed. Objectification of women leads to a sick society. I don’t follow news but indeed such cases are not rare. Thanks for approving my usage of each and every. I am relieved 🙂

      LOve and light ❤
      Anand 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  5. beingmepresently

    Thank you for your honest post. As someone who is in a very difficult relationship I see the benefits of trying to make something work and not giving up so easily which is common in Western Society. If I was at risk of physical abuse or my children were that would be a different story altogether. Western women are more empowered I guess and I am pleased that more women in the East are starting to feel that way too.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Thank you for the language explanation. Very very interesting. So sad that so much (I would say most) of the world is patriarchal. If the skills, energy, and ideas of women were used more I think the world would probably be a bit more peaceful 🙏

    Liked by 2 people

  7. This kind of patriarchal society exists in India, and I think it’s more prevalent in the North than in South. In the southern region, it’s all about making use of them! That’s the kind of abuse that exists there, they are not given a choice on anything and everything is literally thrust onto them from the kind of courses to take in college to the kind of jobs they have to work in to bring money home for their families, no say in how they handle it and then finally married off in an arranged setting where she has no clue if there is any compatibility or not. And if there is no compatability, she is still expected to ‘compromise’ and ‘adjust’ to keep the family name!!
    I’m sure this is changing slowly but it still is a harsh reality all over India!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I completely agree. The things you conveyed, I have seen all my life and sad thing is I can’t do much about it except spreading awareness with words, written and spoken. 🙂 Thanks for reading and thoughtful comment, Rashmi 🙂

      Love and light ❤

      Anand 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  8. V, Thank you for taking what I am sure is an unpopular stand and exposing a very unpopular truth. Hopefully the winds of change will come to your country and blow out this thinking and free your women to live and love with dignity.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. This is a popular lie–that marriages in India are stable and happy. They are stable because the very ground on which they stand is ‘rotten patriarchal values.’ So there is no basis to condemn western society for unstable marriages 🙂

      Thanks for reading and wonderful feedback 🙂

      Love and light ❤

      Anand 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I thank you for talking about this topic. When I was 16 I met my 1st serious boyfriend, but my happiness was short lived because he was physically violent toward me, but I didn’t leave him for 2 years because I thought so little of myself that I actually convinced myself that I deserved it. I was completely under the thumb, and it caused me nothing but grief. I’m so thankful that I managed to get out, but I know that many women all over the world have not, and it needs to change. It was hard enough for me to leave, but I can’t imagine how it would be for a married woman in India to try and leave, and having to face her husband and family. There’s always a certain amount of shame that goes along with violence of any kind, you feel embarassed to have to explain yourself to other people, even those you know well. It’s the secret that kills you in the end. God bless you Anand.

    Emily

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes, Emily 🙂

      I have very closely seen what we are talking about and I completely agree with you here 🙂

      Thanks for the thoughtful feedback and I hope you have a lovely week ahead 🙂

      Love and light ❤

      Anand 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  10. Wow how enlightening. I always thought eastern marriages last because they understood the core of what marriage truly is. I had NO idea it was to this extent. This is bad! On the other hand it’s two extremes with marriages in the west bc people here don’t take it seriously. Their mindset is “hey let’s try it and if I don’t like you I’ll just divorce you” they barely try. I even had a friend recently tell me she was happier alone with no man giving her grief. I said no! That’s your husband make it work!!! We must find a happy medium between both extremes. Instead of owning your wife or discarding your husband (in the west) find a middle ground where both are happy!
    I can only imagine what you experiences were growing up! You must have some stories to write several book!
    Thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 4 people

  11. Its all about brand-making. Whatever patriarchal society India looks like, men’s life in India is with women, of women, for women. We have matri- or shakti-centric society too, and mother remains a superpower, gradually sidelining the casual, ailing father. Even Ramayana was sita-centric and Mahabharata was Draupadi-centric in terms of reason.

    Women are much respected and rarely thrown after one night stand or a drunken revelry. And gradually, women rights and equality are creeping in for other reasons too.

    Even when I am typing this, I am hiding in some corner, slowly typing on my phone. Somebody would kill me if I stay glued to phone any further.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I get your point though I don’t agree with either Ramayana being Sita centric or Mahabharata being Draupadi centric in the sense that stories did revolve around them but they were subservients and possessions of others like any other women in patriarchal society. Just because a movement is misguided and some discrepancies have crept in it, doesn’t mean it has actually served its purpose–neither does it mean that the actual cause which started it was not substantial. I have observed heinous and wicked patriarchy all my small life and no amount of arguments against women empowerment will convince me of otherwise because so far I have not seen women using, abusing and exploiting men 🙂

      Have a great week ahead 🙂

      Love and light ❤

      Anand 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  12. Thank you for calling a spade a spade. I totally agree that this is the case, if we were not a patriarchal society and women had their say much earlier – we would be just like any western country. But even today, a divorcee woman is looked down upon by the society here which is sad. There are elders who say that we have to “adjust and make it work”, but why compromise? And at the cost of one’s own happiness?

    Liked by 4 people

    1. True, adjusting literally means getting exploited by men, sadly that is the harsh reality and state of affairs over here 🙂

      Thanks for your wonderful feedback, Uday. Hope you are having a wonderful weekend. Have a lovely week ahead!

      Love and light ❤

      Anand 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  13. Thank you for your passionate rejection of patriarchal violence. If you look at the patriarchal societies of East Asia, the marriage and childbirth rates are plummeting at women are getting educated. It’s bound to happen in India, and none too soon.

    Liked by 3 people

  14. Pingback: My Take on Stable Indian Marriages! | Blogging 101: Alumni

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