Futures Past!

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Futures Past

As a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? How close or far are you from that vision?

A Filmy Hero!

My grandfather was fond of films. As a very young kid I used to spend a lot of time with him watching films. I used to watch heroes in films who were able to do amazing deeds of courage and valour. They had great characters and capability to help others. They were self-sacrificing and they were rock solid in the face of calamities, helping others tirelessly. They could do incredible things, but they were not merely to show-off, they were the need of the hour. I wanted to become a hero like them. I told this to my grandfather and to my family members.

My grandfather told me that there was an easy way to become a hero like those we used to watch in the films. He told me that there was a small hole behind the TV which was a portal to Bombay Bollywood. He told me that when time was ripe, he would send me there and I would do all those amazing things my heroes were doing! I was thrilled and I used to fantasize doing those things. Jumping to 4th floor of a building from the ground floor, driving race bikes at full speed, fighting many villains with ease, saving poor, weak, children and women and much more while waiting for time to become ripe!

The time never became ripe. I kept tweaking the back of the TV, looking for that magical hole forever. Then someone wise in the family told me that my grandfather had made a fool of me! For a while I was dejected and furiously cursed him, but then I understood why he might have said what he said. A bit later I started understanding that those heroic acts of courage shown in films were merely works of camera. I lost interest in becoming a phony hero!

A Martial Man!

Now another fever took over me. It was patriotism. I was so moved by people in army and their power. I feel it was because there was something martial in me right from birth. I wanted to fight for a cause! I decided that I will die for my country like those military officers.

My family members observed that my conviction was becoming deeper by day. They tried to persuade me for something else–since I was so fond of holding a gun, they suggested that becoming a superintendent or a commissioner of police might be a wonderful idea. That way I need not necessarily go away from family to fight on border of the country and still get to shoot using a gun!

Scientist and Philosopher!

This stayed with me until I started reading some books. When I started reading, I was fascinated by the vast amount of knowledge before me. Then I wanted to become a scientist. I wanted to know nature and life. I can’t say whether I really wanted to become a scientist or a philosopher. By nature I was a mystic and I wanted to become a scientist for earning a living. Then I scored well in some exams and became a local hero for a while–this made my family members very proud and then they wanted me to become an officer in administrative services, because, firstly, they earned a handsome salary; secondly, they have a lot of power.

The IAS officer as a goal stayed for couple of years until my maternal uncle suggested me to prepare for engineering entrance examination. He was the most successful professional in our family and it was obvious for my parents to follow him. Though I had different things in mind, as it happens in the most middle class Indian families, I was forced to do what my parents wanted me to do.

Nothing!

During the preparations of that entrance examination, I had to undergo severe gestation period. The throat-cut competition, unforeseen course material to manage, new city, bad health and sentimental nature–all of them created a nightmarish existence for me. For about 6 months I was as miserable as it gets. I had gastric ulcer, trouble in breathing, insomnia, hypertension and caught malaria too.

Parents were never a solace. I resorted to meditation and breathing. I realized that I had wasted all my life, till then, on some marksheets. I was not living, but rather chasing some illusory goals set by my sleepwalking parents who were actually chasing some other illusory goals set by some other sleepwalking people, under the illusion that they will make them happy, one day, eventually! I realized that all my student life I had worked hard all year-long to wait for those colorful marksheets. They either made me elated or devastated. They had such power on me. I decided to get out of the rat race. I decided to be free from the rut. I decided to move out of the competition, not because I was too weak, but because I wanted to live!

I devoted myself in rhythmic breathing technique I invented. This technique healed me within 2-3 month completely. I had already stopped chasing those academic goals. My parents became my worst nightmare. They showed their darkest colors and existence became both blissful and nightmarish at the same time in following months. I had decided to not to study anymore. My parents persuaded me to study engineering and I accepted it as it gave me a chance to stay away from the nightmare of living near them. I rarely used to go to meet them. This continued and flow of life made me a software professional, though my heart was never into it.

Software Professional Who Wanted To Become A Writer!

The software professional was a scribbler so occasionally dreamed of becoming a writer too. But soon he realized that it’s way-too-much of effort trying to become a writer. Writers were a-dime-a-dozen and why would he walk the same road again? The greatest current of life hit him again and he became a devotee, a renunciate and carefree as a child.

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A filmy hero, military man, policeman, martial artist, scientist, philosopher, administrative officer, engineer, software professional, writer to a renunciate it’s something which I never imagined. I think, in a way I am still the same child who wants to do heroic deeds by alleviating suffering of those around him. He wants to heal others. But in a way, I don’t want to accomplish anything whatsoever.

Conclusion or Lack of it!

I feel I am complete. Striving as a desperate person trying to achieve an ambition is not in my mind-stuff anymore. I live day-to-day, moment-to-moment. I don’t worry about meeting any goals. I feel life is a strange mystery and it has a strange current. When it touches you, the outer becomes the inner and the inner becomes the outer and if you managed to read it this far, please don’t ask me what this means!

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52 thoughts on “Futures Past!

  1. Wow quite a read πŸ˜€ I enjoyed reading about different phases of your life=)
    You know it takes a lot of courage to get out of the rat race, and I admire you for that and a bit envious =)
    ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for your kindest words, Nadine. I don’t think I am too courageous–suffering was too intense to bear anymore. I was so acutely sensitive.

      More love and light ❀

      Anand πŸ™‚

      Like

  2. I always admired people who knew exactly what they wanted to do with their lives from a young age. I however, can relate to your experiences Anand. I was never really sure what I wanted to do as a young person. I guess we are fortunate to have eventually figured it out! Even if writing is not financially lucrative, it is lucrative to the soul! Keep it up!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Good Morning Dr. Sorick!

      Thanks for your kind words πŸ™‚
      I am glad you empathize with me. Though I don’t feel I said I want to be writer. I don’t want to be anything actually but life will certainly make a dish out of me LOL πŸ˜€

      Have a great day πŸ™‚

      Love and lightening ❀

      Anand πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Are you talking about the last paragraph? I asked you to not ask about that lol πŸ˜› I guess you are the second person who is asking about that today. lol Thanks for your kind words πŸ™‚

      Love and light ❀

      Anand πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow….I thoroughly enjoyed reading this post. You seemed to have a variety of choices growing up πŸ˜‰
    I like the Bollywood hero and the Martian man best!
    And FYI….you are an amazing writer, so I guess you accomplished that dream! πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

    1. LOL πŸ˜€ Thanks for your kind words Rashmi. Yes, I wanted to be martial man and film hero when very young so I guess you still have that child living inside you lol. Thanks for your kindest words πŸ™‚

      Love and light ❀

      Anand πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I agree that ‘life is a strange mystery and has a strange current’—and it can be strange but wonderful, too. This is a wonderful journey you’ve shared with us. It has some very sad facets, but an outcome that feels right and good. Thanks for a beautiful post, Anand!

    Pam

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I think I have never been built for the rat race either. ‘Survival of the fittest’ is the norm and a lot of people are miserable fighting for something that they don’t even believe in. It’s best to go down an alternative path that at least brings you peace and happiness no matter what the world may think. Well written Anand! I enjoyed the post thoroughly!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I am so glad reading your reply my friend. I feel it’s better to step back from the rat race and reflect on what we truly need. We need peace above all. We need love and happiness. Thanks for your kind words.

      Love and light ❀

      Anand πŸ™‚

      Liked by 2 people

  6. This was a very good post Anand! Your grandfather seems like an amazing man….there is a portal bollywood,And when you are a grown up he will let you go…Loll
    And wanting to jump of buildings…hahaha…The movie Krish had the similar effect on me πŸ˜›
    I really enjoyed reading this! πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

    1. LOL πŸ˜€ Krish, yes. I guess I used to watch superman and then stunts of Akshay Kumar and others at that time! Yes he had a short but enjoyable time I think. I had a nice time with him. God bless him πŸ™‚

      Love and light ❀

      Anand πŸ™‚

      Liked by 2 people

  7. When I was 12, I declared I wanted to be a nurse. But I struggled with science courses. My dad wanted me to become an accountant like him when he sent me off to college. Once I saw the course topics, I dropped that major and decided I wanted to help hurting people. I ended up becoming a law enforcement officer!

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Oh, see another similarity between us! I so told you that we were supposed to be friends. I also wanted to help hurting people and wanted to become a LEO. Thanks for sharing your experiences, Debbie. very interesting indeed. Have a lovely day ahead. πŸ™‚

      Love and light ❀

      Anand πŸ™‚

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Yes! And look at us now. Helping and encouraging others!
        I forgot to say I was studying pre-law as I wanted to be a lawyer. But I had to support myself so couldn’t afford law school. I was able to get a good job with my 4 year degree. Anyway, I think that helped me connect and admire Arpita so much! She’s precious! πŸ˜„

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Well, it took me many many many years to get there. I was trying to be what society expected of me but it did not work really well. Once I understood one cannot deny one’s nature and should not go against it, everything became clear as spring water. So writer it is.

        Liked by 4 people

        1. Oh, I thought you were exceptionally fortunate to be born in the perfect circumstances. Now I understand. I completely agree my friend. We all have some innate potentials which we should work upon instead of following the rut but it is not always apparent and easy.

          Thanks a lot for sharing your experience. I love such discussions.

          Love and light ❀

          Anand πŸ™‚

          Liked by 2 people

  8. Each person has a struggle but that of middle class Indian is somewhat same ..parents want a secure career for their children ..we are brought up in such a way that we judge people not on their intellectual basis but on the basis of college they have passed out from ..how much they are earning and all that …
    But as you grow as an individual you realize that this wasn’t what you wanted ..and its when you really start working towards your actual purpose of life ..for some this realization come too late for some it come at right time..but I feel timing is just an barrier of our mind ..if you want to do it you can do it anytime πŸ™‚
    And yes mediation is the biggest tool that make you bring peace to hear and soul πŸ™‚
    Thanx for sharing πŸ™‚

    Liked by 5 people

  9. Pingback: Futures Past! | Blogging 101: Alumni

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