When I was a very young kid, I used to watch movies on television with my grandfather. I was fascinated by heroes of films. I did not know that they were merely actors-they were not real heroes. I used to take them for real(There are so many of us who take them to be real heroes and worship them, even after growing up!) and wanted to become like them–one capable of fighting many with martial arts. I wanted to be a hero who fights for good and who is able to do amazing feats and stunts. When I told my grandpa about my ambition, he said to me that he would let me in through one hole behind the television-set someday–I would directly land in Bombay–Bollywood and then I would become a movie star! I was convinced that the hole behind the television set was a portal to Bollywood–the hero world.
That plan stayed with me for a while and I kept on waiting for my chance. Grandpa had promised “When you are grown-up, I would put you through that magic hole.” I realized after a while that it was all fantasy–still, my fascination with movies and television stayed. Then I realized that military soldiers are real heroes because they have big guns! What a great situation to be in–being able to shoot whenever and wherever you want! I decided that I was going to become a military commander. As my family members realized that I became serious about that goal–they lured me into believing that superintendent of police was somehow more powerful and commanding than an army officer. They wanted their child to shun the idea of becoming army officer(you are free to speculate why it would have been so!)
Then this idea of a career in police department stayed for while but Science and Philosophy made me feel joy of intellectual exegesis I had never known before and I decided to become a metaphysical thinker. Thinkers don’t earn money for doing just that i.e. thinking-a thinker has to do something to earn his bread and butter unless he belongs to an aristocratic elite group of society. My maternal uncle who was a doctor counselled me to study medical science and make it big as a doctor. The idea appealed to my parents as well and even when I had an aptitude for Mathematics(it’s not that I wanted to become an engineer though.) I was convinced to take Biology stream for studies after high school.
Then my parents wanted me to become an administrative officer, because an administrative officer is powerful and earns a lot of money. It stayed with me just for a while before I had the crash . After the crash I realized that I did not actually want to make career in anything at all. I realized that all the time I had been listening to various voices in my head. Among those voices I could not find my own voice. There were myriads of echoes from various relatives, friends and teachers inside my head but my own voice was absent. I realized that I wanted to become nothing.
I stayed in the stream of life for a decade after that, working my way through various jobs, but none of them appealed me deeply. I found that, a retired man sitting in his chair comfortably, or a monk in contemplation, appealed me zillion times more than any of the careers. I hated to run for achieving illusory everlasting goal-posts with my fellow competitors. I realized nothingness of trying to become and I gave it up altogether.
Occasionally I thought of becoming this or that but nothing stayed with me for enough long as an ambition. Now I don’t want to become anything. I don’t have any career to make. I am a retired man now.